raspberryturk | Between... Somewhere, and the Dorms, Monday Night

"Depends," she said. "I mean. The same way I always used to: yes. But not the weird exposition stuff."

She hugged her arms. "I didn't mean to ... um. I didn't ... cheat on you, did I? 'Cause I thought he was you and I was really just wanting to talk and he got all ... suave on me, and I got all stupid."

Reno gave his head a little bit of a shake.

"Nah. Guy doesn't even really exist. You don't gotta worry about kissin' some guy if he ain't even real. And you thought he was me. And we're kinda..."

They were kind of...

"Somethin'."

"I didn't mean to be kissing him," she blurted out. Again. "You. Either. I wanted to talk because things were weird and he was all, 'you think too much, it's all cooooool' and I'm stupid so I just went with it and oh my gosh, what was I thinking? I wasn't. At all."

She seriously regretted it. A lot. Especially that bit where they got interrupted and she hadn't just pulled him over her and --

Wow, she was bad at this being-friends thing.

"It's cool." That came out... maybe a little more tersely than Reno had intended it to. "He wasn't even me. Wasn't real. You were kissin' hot air."

Deep breath. Talking. Walking. Keeping it casual.

"Not like it means somethin' if it wasn't real. You're still in the clear, zoto."

"I didn't say it didn't ... mean anything." Rikku bit her lip. "I mean -- I said we were just gonna, you know, take some time, and you bust in and there I am, letting some guy pull my shirt off. If you're mad, I -- I get it, I just ... I was trying to say it just happened, I wasn't ... wasn't lying."

"I got no reason to be mad." His eyes were on the ground as he walked. No reason to look up. Whatever. "Your lips, you can do whatever you want to with 'em. I ain't gonna stop you. S'not like we're even really datin' anymore."

A pause. A long, painful pause that felt like an hour but only lasted two or three seconds.

"Are we?"

...

"Probably not, anyhow."

Rikku was going to stare at him. And fight down the urge to choke him.

"I thought he was you," she snapped. "I wasn't just wandering up and down the halls looking for someone to make out with. Do you get that!? Is that what you think of me!?"

"You're sick of my job and you're sick of me," he hissed, more smoke than words, a stung sort of whisper as he stopped in his tracks. "You remember that? So, you thought he was me. He wasn't. He must'a had somethin' I didn't have. S'fine."

"I stayed that night," Rikku said, sharply. "I said I was sick of always being last, and you said I wasn't, and I stayed. And you wanna know why it was him, and not you? 'Cause he sat me down and he said, 'you worry too much. I'll take care of it. I just want you.'"

"You do worry too much," Reno replied, shaking his head. "He didn't know what he was takin' care of, though. There's your difference. He could take care of it, 'cause to him, it wasn't even a problem. And here I am, draggin' you through hell, and you're all... angry 'cause I kept the job, or whatever, and I'm tryin' to take care of it. I want to. At least I know what it is."

"No," Rikku said. "There isn't a difference. I kept saying it was a bad idea, and he said it didn't matter, and I ... can't say no to you. Him. Whoever. I knew it wasn't going to be that easy, and I didn't care, because ... you were kissing me."

Deep breath. Deep breath. Deep inhale of smoke. Exhale.

Okay.

"That... doesn't fix nothin', though."

Didn't change the fact that he was a Turk, or maybe that he wasn't. Didn't change the things they'd said to one another. Didn't change the things they didn't say. Didn't mean they'd said what they should have.

"I know," she said, gesturing with some frustration and turning on her heel. Back to the dorms. The hell with it. "I'm not perfect, okay? I'm not saying, hey, that was a really smart idea of mine. I'm saying, that's what happened. Okay? You're right. It doesn't fix anything. I know that."

And then he was following her again. It was a bad idea. He should have headed the other direction. Wandered out to the mainland and never looked back. Fuck school and fuck the Turks and fuck all of this shit.

But he was following her again. Bad idea. But he didn't care.

"Just wanting to kiss don't make everything that's fucked up between us just go away," he snarled at her backside, and then stopped in his tracks again and shook his head. "You wanna kiss? Right now, here, c'mere and we can press our lips together until they fall the fuck off and pretend it's all okay, and it still won't be! You want that?"

"What's it matter? You don't!" She was going to turn around to yell at him for this one, yes. "Maybe he didn't know what the hell he was talking about, but he said, fuck it, kiss me and we'll work it out! Is that so awful? Oh, but if that was me, you'd go, hey, no, that's not a good idea. You're all noble like that. Good for you. I'm not going to stand here and apologize to you for saying yes just 'cause hey, it's gonna be messy. I didn't care. Okay? You wanna keep shouting at me about how it's not gonna work out, you knock yourself out."

"I want it to work! Damn it, Rikku! I want to make it work! I'm just scared I'm gonna fuck it up, okay? I'm scared I'm gonna try an' leave ShinRa, and it's gonna just be some kinda joke, and they'll pull me back and that'll be that! I'm scared somethin' else big is gonna happen, and it ain't gonna be because I made a choice to do the right damn thing for once, it's gonna be because I'm a Turk! I'm scared I don't know what I'm doing!"

Also, he was yelling.

Edited 2008-10-14 03:35 (UTC)

"I'm scared, too!" Really, really yelling now. "You were dead! Okay!?? Do you have any idea how awful that was!? You were dead! That was it! You think you're scared, well, you didn't watch me die! Okay?!! I'm scared, too, and then you kissed me and now you're mad that I was kissing him-that-I-thought-was-you because ooooh, we didn't work things out first, and I didn't care! Okay? You wanna be pissed at me for that, you wanna remind me this is messy, go right ahead!"

And this next bout of yelling was louder than possibly all other yelling Reno had done in his life.

"E YS HUD SYT YD OUI!"

Deep breaths. Not shaking. Not thinking. Just breathing. Dropping his smoke on the ground and crushing it under his heel and breathing.

"I just wanna fix all the shit that's goin' on! I wanna hold you close and I wanna kiss you and I wanna tell you that everything is gonna be okay, and I just wanna be able to mean it! I don't see what the fuck is wrong with wantin' to be able to tell you the truth, for once!"

"Then tell me the truth!" she snapped. She could shake enough for both of them. "Why are you yelling if you're not mad!? Why do you say you want to work it out if you're not even doing anything!? Why do we have to work it all out first, anyway? Why can't we just stop thinking for five minutes! Would that be so freaking awful!? I know it was a bad idea to kiss him, and I'm not sorry! I'd do it again! Okay?!"

"Okay!"

Okay!

"I'm mad at me, okay? I don't know what I'm supposed to do and I wanna do it anyhow and you were makin' like you didn't wanna be around me so long as I was a Turk, and I'm not gonna ever stop bein' one! But you're apparently totally cool with that now just so long as we don't gotta think about it, so why don't you come over here so we can kiss already and pretend everything ain't messed up!?"

No, he still wasn't thinking.

"Maybe that's the difference!" she yelled. "He didn't go, oh, gosh, my job, I gotta figure out what's up with my job, which is way more important than you! He said, I want you and everything else will work itself out! We'll make it work out! I want you! And okay, he was just saying it to get into my pants, but you wouldn't be! But you won't say it! Because it's not true! Even though you said it was the other night and that's really not cool to just lie to me to get me to stay like that! And no! I've been saying we should just kiss already for ten minutes so you can get your butt over here if you've finally decided, hey, maybe that's a good idea!"

Edited 2008-10-14 04:41 (UTC)

"It's a fucking terrible idea!"

Which was exactly why he was stalking over to her and wrapping his arms around her and sweeping her into a kiss.

Because, naturally, it was a bad idea.

It didn't have to make sense, just then, damn it anyhow.

Edited 2008-10-14 04:50 (UTC)

"I kn--"

She had been about to shout, 'I know that,' and then probably tack on twelve or thirteen more things that didn't matter.

Instead, her arms were around his neck and she was pulling him closer and they were just going to devour each other, right here on the sidewalk, and leave nothing else behind but ashes, and she could be perfectly okay with that if it meant he wouldn't stop kissing her. Because. Because. Please.

His hands were on her shoulders and he wasn't going to let go. Never going to let go. She couldn't accuse him of not loving her, damn it. Couldn't accuse him of lying to her. And even if she wanted to, she wouldn't get the chance while he pressed his lips against hers and slipped his tongue into her mouth and let himself drown in the taste of her kiss.

Not going to stop kissing. Not going to crumble. Not going to shake or cry or even yell anymore.

Not until six minutes later, when he had to surface for air. Breathe and whisper and still refuse to let go.

"A fucking terrible idea. And I didn't lie to you, zoto."

Edited 2008-10-14 05:08 (UTC)

"No?" she said softly, licking her lips as if she couldn't believe they tasted like him.

Reeling. Trying not to think.

"Then ... tell me I shouldn't kiss you again?"

Because if she did, she didn't trust herself to ever stop.

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