raspberryturk | Between... Somewhere, and the Dorms, Monday Night

Rikku folded her arms with a huff. "I don't know what I want you to do," she said. "I don't have the magic answer that's gonna fix this. I hate your job. You know that. You can't quit. If you did quit, you'd be miserable, and you know it. If you don't quit, you're going to do really bad, evil stuff, and I hate that part, and then you're gonna die, and I'm not too crazy about that part, either. I don't have a third option. You want me to talk, and I don't know what you want me to say."

"Then just play with the ferret some more."

Reno shrugged and leaned back against the wall, reaching into his pocket to pull out his smokes. He'd been smoking a lot more than usual lately. Whatever.

"Already told you, I dunno if I have a job back there. Told you I don't wanna work under ShinRa. You figure that was all 'cause you didn't like that kinda shit?"

"I don't know," she said, and there was a pointed Look to go with that. "I'm the one that's been talking. You didn't even tell me until earlier what your boss said. You haven't told me most of what's going on. The President-guy wants to rebuild ShinRa. You don't. Even though you still want to be a Turk. Even though you kept saying you couldn't quit, someone would come kill you if you did. Even though you keep saying, hey, you have nothing to live for if you're not a Turk. And now you're saying, well, you quit, maybe, except you're not sure. I have no idea what you want. Okay? So you talk for a change."

It figured.

The only times Reno ever seemed to fail at coming up with words were the ones when words were what he needed the most.

Still and all, he was going to open his mouth and try. After a few lungfuls of smoke. Sweet, beautiful, noxious smoke.

"Things are different now than they used to be," he started, and wondered if he could leave it at that without getting smacked for it. He figured he couldn't, so he pressed onward. "When ShinRa was still standin', I would'a got hunted down. A month ago, there would'a been issues with my quittin'. And now the guy who I was most worried about takin' issue with this seems to have it in his head that things gotta change. So maybe if he can do it, so can I. I mean... I can quit. Find somethin' to do that's similar or somethin'. Wouldn't ever be the same. Probably couldn't take pride in it the same way. But... What I'm doin' now, I can't be proud of that, neither."

Okay. Maybe words weren't all that hard, after all.

... Okay. That was. Something. Right? They were. On the right track here. Maybe. ... Maybe?

Rikku nodded. "So ... what do you want, then? That's ... the big question. I mean. A month ago, I would've said, okay, so ... come away with me. Somewhere. Anywhere. But if you do that, you won't really be you. You keep saying that, that ... you need to be a Turk, and then you say you can't be a Turk, and there really aren't Turks any more anyway, and ... all you're really doing is confusing the crap out of me."

"Probably doesn't help that I don't know which way is up, either," Reno said, perhaps a little ruefully. "I don't wanna work for Rufus. Rufus has screwed us up before. I'd stay a Turk if I could, but officially, there aren't any Turks anyhow, and goin' through the motions of bein' one on Gaia means Rufus gets to keep thinkin' he owns me. You should'a heard the shit he gave me for keepin' my personal life here a secret from him."

Awww. The ferret was snoozing. Naturally, this meant that Reno had to lean over and poke at him.

"At this point, it's less a matter of what I want and more a matter of what I get to take, I think."

"So ... what do you want to take?" she asked. "I can't just ... you keep saying, you're nothing without your job, you need your job, why even get out of bed if you don't have your job, and now you're standing here telling me, hey, the heck with your job. Is this just ... you ... being all brave-face at me? 'Cause ... that kinda doesn't help, with the whole talking-straight-and-not-circles. And I ..."

Messy exhale. "Dammit. I hate your job, and you know that, but I don't want you to ... lose it, and feel like you're not you. And I don't know where this leaves us, and we are talking in circles and you know, at least the evil twin had the decency to pounce me."

"No, the evil twin had the indecency to pounce you," Reno said, and he gave the ferret another good poke for good measure before scooping him up in one hand. Sleepcoma. Cool. "There's a difference between havin' a job and bein' what I am. I'm a Turk. If I ain't a Turk, I dunno what I am. But quittin' ShinRa ain't gonna change that I'm a Turk. That ain't talkin' in circles if you know what it means to be one. Just seems that way. I'm more worried about leavin' Rude behind than bein' unemployed, zoto."

"Then don't leave him behind," Rikku glared. "And no, I don't know what it means, 'cause you keep saying it one way and then the other and back and forth and maybe I should go since, hey, I just don't get it. Great. I was trying, you know. Forget it."

"No. Not gonna forget it." Reno deposited the ferret back into his cage and shut the door. "Bein' a Turk means doin' the job, no matter what. Means you do stupid shit like protect a guy who just told your enemies to kill you right there in front of you. Means you get your hands dirty 'cause nobody else wants to. And that's what makes you worth somethin'. There's shit that's gotta be done, and you're the only one in the world stupid enough to do it, and that's somethin' to be proud of, because Ifrit knows you're the only one who's gonna remember that you even did it at all. 'S not clean, 's not pretty, 's not excitin' and you don't do it for the glory. If you're a Turk, you're in it just to be a Turk, zoto."

"You act like that's the only thing you are," Rikku said, jumping up and folding her arms. "You can't leave the job, 'cause then you'd be nothing. Right? Because us, and the posse, and everything else you are, that doesn't mean anything. And that's not supposed to hurt, when I hear that. Because I just don't get it. Right? I've had to make rough calls. I walked Yunie into Zanarkand thinking she wasn't going to leave. We decided to kill Seymour, because no one else would. You act like I've never been on the front lines. But wait, since I wasn't a Turk, I can't get it, and you can roll your eyes some more at how I'm just never going to understand. You know, you're right, I don't. I'm a Guardian, and I always will be, but I'd never tell you that I'm absolutely nothing without it. And you still won't say what you want, but ... you know, maybe you don't have to."

She was going to leave, before he could tell that she'd teared up. Stupid argument, stupid night, stupid everything.

"You understand what it's like to be proud of what you are. And the things you did... they're huge," he said to her back, frowning. "Difference is, you did it for the right reasons. I'm proud of all the shallow shit- the tortures and the killings and the sabotage. And it ain't for any noble cause. It's cause I'm fuckin' good at it. Might be all I'm good at."

Deep breath. Maybe he'd harass the ferret some more. Hey, limp noodle weasel. Awesome.

"I got you guys here? I mean. I know I got you guys here. You followed me to the end of the world. And... I dunno. Yeah. I got you. And it scares the shit outta me."

"It's not all you're good at," she said firmly. "I wish you could see that. You ... I mean, I'm good at killing fiends, that's not -- I'm proud of it, not just because it means, hey, I can protect people, but also because I'm good at it and I like it. I stole a Shining Gem from that Bahamut you guys had, in Gaia. And I felt like I was awesome, 'cause I didn't lose a limb or anything."

Look, that Bahamut had had huge freaking claws, okay? And she hadn't even had time to squee over her loot.

"That's not the point. It's ... you're proud of it. But maybe not, hey, you're glad you did that, you look back on it and think it was an awesome move. Two totally different things, right? And ... who you are, and what that means, that's not the same as ... whether you work for him. Is it?"

Because she had a feeling they were using the same terms for twenty different things, here.

"Right," Reno agreed, nodding faintly. "Somethin' to be proud of. I mean... If I quit, I won't be a Turk. Not officially. But I'm gonna be one anyhow. That kinda thing, you know?"

He focused on his cigarette, then, holding it between two fingers and watching the length of ash creep up the filter.

"I made a shitload of real stupid moves in my life. Things I ain't proud of. Ain't the same."

She shrugged. "You can be proud of ... being a Turk, without being proud of the things you do," she said. "Or ... you can go, hey, go me, I'm really good at ... breaking arms, but not think, gosh, I'm proud of me for breaking so many arms. It's ..."

She stopped, abruptly, to rub her eyes. "I'm not making any sense."

That was almost a smile, there.

"Yeah. Not proud of breakin' so many arms. But damn, I do it good." He flicked the ash off his cigarette and shook his head a little. Had himself a few more puffs. Dropped the rest of it in a half-full glass of something decidedly stale on his nightstand. "Makes enough sense. Maybe not the example that I woulda used. But it makes sense, yoto."

"That's ... progress, for us. Isn't it?" She smiled, weakly. "We're at least making sense. This is new."

She ran a hand through her hair. "So ... what now? You call Tseng and ... see what he thinks? What happens next?"

"Next?" Reno made his way over to take a seat on the edge of the bed, frowning thoughtfully to himself. "Tseng's advice is somethin' I respect. I mean, this whole quittin' thing was kinda his idea. I mean, so that we can... get away with doin' it. I gotta call him. Maybe I call Rude, first. See if the dust's settled in Edge yet, or something."

He glanced sidelong at her and chewed on his lower lip, and then gave his shoulders a shrug.

"I'd settle for just callin' it a night, right now. Long week."

And it was only Monday. Go figure.

"You want me to go?" she said softly. "I can ... go. So you can call Tseng. Or Rude. S'good, zoto."

Not quite the fighting, or talking, or bad-idea-sex. She'd. Okay. Shrug.

"Long week. Probably ... for the best, right?"

Dammit.

He shook his head a little and reached for her hand, still chewing his lip.

Maybe that was all he had to do.

Her fingers ... played with his, hesitantly, and then she fell onto the bed, next to him, folding into his arms. Please? Could they ... could he just put his arms around her?

Yes.

Yes.

Thank you.

He pulled her close and... laying down was an excellent idea, wasn't it? His shoes were being kicked off before his shoulders had even hit the mattress. Close. Close. Just being close to her and holding her in his arms and shutting his eyes and the rest of it could go away for a while. He could deal with the rest of it some other time. Any other time.

Right now, his arms weren't empty.

That was more than he'd had in nearly forever.

He shared exactly how much this meant to him by shifting closer and pressing his lips against her forehead.

She wasn't crying.

Okay. Maybe she was sniffling. So what? She could burrow in against the side of his neck and sniffle and he'd understand. Wouldn't he? Kick her own shoes off, wrap her arms around him, and ... right here. This was awesome. He still smelled Reno-scented, on the side of his neck, and his bed was such a great place. She didn't mean it like that, even. Just. Here. And.

Here. She was going to squeeze and cling and not budge an inch and maybe live here for about a week. A week? Did that sound good?

A week was awesome. They didn't even have classes this week, so they wouldn't have to worry about being interrupted for detention for skipping for days on end. A week. And it would feel like minutes. And it would be awesome anyhow.

Another kiss, on the top of her head, now. And shifting his weight a little just so that he could run his fingers through her hair. She had damn nice hair, and he missed just getting his fingers into it. Touching. He missed touching. Like he'd been starved this whole week past, and just having his hands on her, warm and real and right there was going to make up for all of that.

It was.

She nuzzled back against his fingers, his lips, and she leaned up -- so hesitantly, dammit -- to press her lips on his chin, and then so lightly, over his.

Not that. Would fall into pieces. But. A soft kiss, and here in his bed, and -- they could stay here? Just sort of hold on to each other and sleep and maybe not get out of bed for a while?

Warm, real, safe. Alive. Not allowed to blow himself up again, buster.

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raspberryturk - 2008-10-16 08:04 (UTC) - Expand