raspberryturk | Room 308, Monday Afternoon

"That was ... all I wanted," she said. Carefully. "Okay. Uh. Maybe some bad-idea-sex, except ... kissing you and forgetting everything else and seeing if maybe we're just talking too damn much and maybe if we ... kissed and went back to your room, maybe we'd ... remember which way was up, again."

She had an awkward shrug to go with it, and wondered if he was mad. He was ... all quiet. Dammit.

"First time in my life I ever say that havin' sex is a bad idea, and you decide that I went and pegged you as some kinda two-gil slut."

Reno nodded slowly, pursed his lips, and then shook his head. There were supposed to be more words with that. It took him some digging to find them again.

"And findin' up was what I wanted to talk about."

Someone was going to have to remind him in the future why he wasn't supposed to talk again.

"Said it a week ago, too," she said, shrugging. "Forget it. That's ... too much of ... someone else. I pounce, he acts like I'm trying to molest him. Which sucks, I have to say."

Well. It did.

"So ... where is up?, then?"

"Up's not here," Reno answered, simply. And then shook his head again. "Up's real, real damn far from here. This, I'm gonna say, is somewhere around rock bottom, zoto."

Reno had been to rock bottom before. It wasn't like he was unfamiliar with it, at least.

"At least ... it can't get any lower?" she asked, hesitantly.

Dammit. Promised herself she wouldn't. Wasn't going to.

And yet she found herself reaching one hand out, to see if she could take his fingers in hers.

"Yeah," Reno agreed, looking down at her hand. He didn't resist. Didn't try to stop her. Couldn't quite bring himself to close his hand around hers, though, either. "Right. Can't get any lower."

He had figured he would be happier, when they reached this point in the conversation.

Hadn't counted on being so numb.

"No. It can. Lower's what happens when you hit the rock and then grab for a chisel."

He looked down at her hand like it was an alien. He didn't take her fingers.

That had been pretty stupid. Like she couldn't figure out the pattern by now. She'd said it herself. She reached out, and he pushed her away.

She pulled her hand back as if it was on fire. "Right," she said dully. "A chisel. Lemme know how that works for you."

He flinched. And nodded. And then tried to set his jaw and look at her straight.

Couldn't focus. Damn tears.

"Just, I don't feel up to digging."

He reached for her hand.

She stared at his hand, and stared at him, cheeks flushed.

"I don't even know what that means," she said. "I'm not ... doing this. This stupid game of -- I kiss you, and you say no, but then you kiss me, and it's fine. I take your hand and it's wrong, but you'll take mine. Last night we couldn't talk, but now we can. What is this?"

"I was drunk last night," he said, simply. And then let go of her hand again and pretended to be very interested in a piece of lint that wasn't really on her shoulder. "I'm not, now. I still dunno where we're at right now. Just, if we're at the bottom, I don't feel like tryin' to see if we really can get any lower."

His eyes dropped to the floor again.

"Should'a just kissed you and pretended everything was fine, I guess."

"I don't, either," she said. "And no, you shouldn't have. But does everything have to be a war? You're keeping me at arm's-length and I don't even know why. Because you're scared? I mean, I'm terrified. Because you're confused? I sure as hell don't know what's going on. Talk to me."

Or else she could strangle him. One of the two.

"Yeah, I'm scared. Of course I'm scared. What about this isn't terrifying? Or confusing, or..."

He shrugged. She could probably get away with strangling him, at about this point. Chances were, he'd look at her dumbly for six minutes and some before keeling over.

"I made a distraction so Cloud could deal with Kadaj alone. That wasn't Turks. That wasn't for Rufus or 'cause it was my job or any of that shit. It was the only thing I could do to make sure the whole damn world didn't go to hell with you three standin' on it. Rufus gets his health back, and he wants Turks to help him rule the world again. And after all that, we're all done with it. Just, I'm tired, and they're my family, and leavin's gonna be hard if they don't. And they did. I was callin' to leave anyhow, even if they didn't. And I don't know what's wrong, now. Just I'm terrified and confused and sick of bein' both."

"Yeah," Rikku said, folding her arms. "I kinda know how you feel. 'Cause. You left, to go home, and I thought it'd go bad. And then it did. And then you called because you thought you were gonna die. And we came after you, and you did, and then you were still alive anyway, and I was exhausted and you were out of it and I woke up the next morning and you were gone already. For orders. So I've been ... trying to go, okay, I can't do this any more. Except I still want to. But the second I reach for you, that's when you've got something else going on."

"Because you can't do this anymore," Reno replied. "You keep sayin' that. And then comin' back like the fact you can't do it doesn't matter no more, and I don't know which of the two to believe. I told you I love you, and I always did, and I had to walk away and pretend it was fine. And I can't do that anymore. We get close, somethin' goes wrong, rinse, repeat."

"So you give up?" There was a frustrated gesture to go with that. "I can't do this any more. Either can you. So you left your job. Which you didn't even bother to tell me. And that changes everything. Maybe. Unless you're going back to it, unless it's gonna be the same thing over and over again. And I don't even know for sure because I'm trying to ask and you just keep shrugging and talking to the wall."

"It's an interesting wall," Reno attempted, lamely. "No. I'm not goin' back to my job. Like I said... Workin' for Tseng's not the same as workin' for Rufus. And I did tell you. Just kinda... waited until today. 'Cause the weekend was all..."

He waved a hand, attempting to make more words happen. It wasn't working.

"Witchy."

That wasn't the word.

Rikku was going to rub her eyes. Very slowly.

"I'm tired," she said, finally. "And scared, and confused, and I have no idea what you want. I mean that. I wouldn't bet a gil either way, right now. I'd be surprised if you knew. Do you?"

"I just want things to start makin' sense again." He licked his lips and shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno which way is up."

He frowned, and then looked up at her.

"Do you resent me bein' who I am?"

She took a long breath, thinking that over. And then she shook her head.

"No," she said. "I don't always ... like some of the things you've done, or ... what it means. But I don't. I couldn't. You ..."

She had to swallow past a lump, here. "You wouldn't be you, without it. All of it. Any of it. And you're ... you, zoto."

"Yeah, I'm me." He took another breath, and reached for her hand again. Carefully. Just to touch her fingers. To something. "So you can't change me. But..."

He shrugged.

"Would you? Hypothetically?"

Purely hypothetically. He had to know.

She shook her head, this time twining her fingers around his. "You don't get it," she said carefully. "If I started changing things ... you'd lose bits of you. If I said, okay, take out those bits, then I'd lose all the ways those bits have made you into who you are. You wouldn't be you if you weren't a Turk. Okay, I don't like the Turks, and I'm really not okay with ... a lot of the things you've done, for them. But ... without them, you'd be someone else entirely. I don't want someone else entirely."

"I'm suggestin' a compromise," Reno said, after a minute of chewing on what she'd said. "I mean... If I can't change, and you don't wanna change me, the least we can do is try to find some way that it works for both of us, zoto."

A pause. A frown. A little squeeze of her hand in his.

"Without just pretendin' it's all gonna go away."

Her fingers were playing with his.

"Okay?" she said. "I'm kinda lost, zoto. I don't know what we can compromise on. I mean. I'm totally ... willing to. I think. 'Cause ... it's not gonna go away, and I don't want ... y'know."

The whole apart thing kinda sucked. Didn't it?

Yeah. The apart thing sucked.

"I mean... You don't want me dealin' with that kinda... shit back home. Right?"

He was going somewhere with this. Honest.

"The ... bad stuff?" Rikku said. "I don't like the bad stuff, no. The. Where you do really bad stuff or they come shoot you in the head. I hate that. Or ... is that what you mean?"

So lost. So very lost.

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