raspberryturk | Room 308, Monday Afternoon

"I was drunk last night," he said, simply. And then let go of her hand again and pretended to be very interested in a piece of lint that wasn't really on her shoulder. "I'm not, now. I still dunno where we're at right now. Just, if we're at the bottom, I don't feel like tryin' to see if we really can get any lower."

His eyes dropped to the floor again.

"Should'a just kissed you and pretended everything was fine, I guess."

"I don't, either," she said. "And no, you shouldn't have. But does everything have to be a war? You're keeping me at arm's-length and I don't even know why. Because you're scared? I mean, I'm terrified. Because you're confused? I sure as hell don't know what's going on. Talk to me."

Or else she could strangle him. One of the two.

"Yeah, I'm scared. Of course I'm scared. What about this isn't terrifying? Or confusing, or..."

He shrugged. She could probably get away with strangling him, at about this point. Chances were, he'd look at her dumbly for six minutes and some before keeling over.

"I made a distraction so Cloud could deal with Kadaj alone. That wasn't Turks. That wasn't for Rufus or 'cause it was my job or any of that shit. It was the only thing I could do to make sure the whole damn world didn't go to hell with you three standin' on it. Rufus gets his health back, and he wants Turks to help him rule the world again. And after all that, we're all done with it. Just, I'm tired, and they're my family, and leavin's gonna be hard if they don't. And they did. I was callin' to leave anyhow, even if they didn't. And I don't know what's wrong, now. Just I'm terrified and confused and sick of bein' both."

"Yeah," Rikku said, folding her arms. "I kinda know how you feel. 'Cause. You left, to go home, and I thought it'd go bad. And then it did. And then you called because you thought you were gonna die. And we came after you, and you did, and then you were still alive anyway, and I was exhausted and you were out of it and I woke up the next morning and you were gone already. For orders. So I've been ... trying to go, okay, I can't do this any more. Except I still want to. But the second I reach for you, that's when you've got something else going on."

"Because you can't do this anymore," Reno replied. "You keep sayin' that. And then comin' back like the fact you can't do it doesn't matter no more, and I don't know which of the two to believe. I told you I love you, and I always did, and I had to walk away and pretend it was fine. And I can't do that anymore. We get close, somethin' goes wrong, rinse, repeat."

"So you give up?" There was a frustrated gesture to go with that. "I can't do this any more. Either can you. So you left your job. Which you didn't even bother to tell me. And that changes everything. Maybe. Unless you're going back to it, unless it's gonna be the same thing over and over again. And I don't even know for sure because I'm trying to ask and you just keep shrugging and talking to the wall."

"It's an interesting wall," Reno attempted, lamely. "No. I'm not goin' back to my job. Like I said... Workin' for Tseng's not the same as workin' for Rufus. And I did tell you. Just kinda... waited until today. 'Cause the weekend was all..."

He waved a hand, attempting to make more words happen. It wasn't working.

"Witchy."

That wasn't the word.

Rikku was going to rub her eyes. Very slowly.

"I'm tired," she said, finally. "And scared, and confused, and I have no idea what you want. I mean that. I wouldn't bet a gil either way, right now. I'd be surprised if you knew. Do you?"

"I just want things to start makin' sense again." He licked his lips and shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno which way is up."

He frowned, and then looked up at her.

"Do you resent me bein' who I am?"

She took a long breath, thinking that over. And then she shook her head.

"No," she said. "I don't always ... like some of the things you've done, or ... what it means. But I don't. I couldn't. You ..."

She had to swallow past a lump, here. "You wouldn't be you, without it. All of it. Any of it. And you're ... you, zoto."

"Yeah, I'm me." He took another breath, and reached for her hand again. Carefully. Just to touch her fingers. To something. "So you can't change me. But..."

He shrugged.

"Would you? Hypothetically?"

Purely hypothetically. He had to know.

She shook her head, this time twining her fingers around his. "You don't get it," she said carefully. "If I started changing things ... you'd lose bits of you. If I said, okay, take out those bits, then I'd lose all the ways those bits have made you into who you are. You wouldn't be you if you weren't a Turk. Okay, I don't like the Turks, and I'm really not okay with ... a lot of the things you've done, for them. But ... without them, you'd be someone else entirely. I don't want someone else entirely."

"I'm suggestin' a compromise," Reno said, after a minute of chewing on what she'd said. "I mean... If I can't change, and you don't wanna change me, the least we can do is try to find some way that it works for both of us, zoto."

A pause. A frown. A little squeeze of her hand in his.

"Without just pretendin' it's all gonna go away."

Her fingers were playing with his.

"Okay?" she said. "I'm kinda lost, zoto. I don't know what we can compromise on. I mean. I'm totally ... willing to. I think. 'Cause ... it's not gonna go away, and I don't want ... y'know."

The whole apart thing kinda sucked. Didn't it?

Yeah. The apart thing sucked.

"I mean... You don't want me dealin' with that kinda... shit back home. Right?"

He was going somewhere with this. Honest.

"The ... bad stuff?" Rikku said. "I don't like the bad stuff, no. The. Where you do really bad stuff or they come shoot you in the head. I hate that. Or ... is that what you mean?"

So lost. So very lost.

"That stuff," Reno agreed. "So, I quit doin' that stuff. But I'm keepin' my job with Tseng, on the grounds that things change."

He looked at their hands. Pursed his lips a little.

"And my bein' all secretive about everything didn't help at all when it came out, yeah?"

"So ... what happens if Tseng starts ... acting just like the President did?" she asked, hesitantly. Still curling her fingers around his.

She considered the rest of it, still leaning back against his door. "... No. It didn't help. It ... I felt like you'd lied to me. Like ... you knew I wouldn't go out with you if I knew what you really did, so you were just gonna skip that. That ... bugged me. A lot."

"I don't think Tseng will. Rufus wanted power. So did his old man. Tseng just wants to get through the day alive," Reno explained, then closed his other hand around the one he was holding and heaved a sigh.

"So, what if, instead of just pretendin' that this job ain't there, like I was doin' before and like I'm.... kinda scared we're gonna do now? What if instead of that, I just... tell you what's goin' on? Tseng calls with a job, and if I don't shoot it down right offa the bat, then... I talk to you? Before takin' it."

Edited 2008-10-21 02:48 (UTC)

"Would ... that be weird?" Rikku asked. Hesitantly. "I mean. You don't have to ... report in, like I'm your mom, or like you're ... asking permission. I would kinda like to know ..."

She bit her lip. "Stealing from people, blowing things up, I mean, whatever, but if you're just going out and shooting people for no good reason ... that might ... upset me. You might not want to tell me stuff, zoto."

Property was fluid. Life, not so much.

"There are probably gonna be hits," Reno said, looking down at their hands and swallowing the lump that was making its way into his throat again. "I mean, there'll be hits. It's just another thing we do and do good, you know? But I get to pick 'em. I get to say no."

He shrugged.

"Wouldn't be weird, talkin' to you about 'em first. Wanna know what's weirder?"

"But ... you might not," she said carefully. "Say no, I mean. To the hits. Are they usually people who ... I mean, are they bad people? I'm not sure I'm okay with ... you just skipping off to kill people who ... didn't do anything. That's ..."

She sighed, brushing her thumb against the back of his hand. Looking down at their hands. "What's weirder?"

"Weirder is us bein' weird at each other," Reno answered. Because that had to come first, right then. "The way Tseng put it, it sounds like we'd be workin' for anyone. Merc work, you know? So, maybe sometimes it's people who deserve to die, and maybe sometimes it's not. And if it's not, I can say no, you know?"

"You won't know," she said. Again. "If they're a bad person or not. And ... you might not care. I would. But I'm ... different than you. You know?"

Completely different ethical centers. That kinda thing.

She stepped forward. Only a little. Only pushing off the wall.

"I hate us being weird at each other."

"You're different than me. Which is why I talk to you first. Maybe it means I end up just doin' property damage. Maybe I don't take the hits, no more."

He kind of hated the thought of not taking the hits anymore.

"But there are still monsters out there. And there's probably mech hidin' around Gaia, too. Not like I'll be starved for excitement or anything."

He shrugged, and then tentatively moved forward to loop his arms around her waist.

Edited 2008-10-21 03:24 (UTC)

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