raspberryturk | A Secluded Corner of the Beach, Sunday Evening

Now seemed like a good time to stretch out next to him. Big blanket, plenty of room for it. Warm enough, if you stayed close.

"It's not expecting if you let someone do something nice, now and then," she said, wriggling in against him. "And ... I don't know. Maybe? I used to think everything was good, once, but it kinda wasn't. I was just pretending it was. That's not really the same thing."

"I don't think I'm pretending, though," Reno replied, rolling slightly to drape an arm over her. "I think I'm just kinda... lost. Or somethin'. And I dunno where I'm tryin' to end up anyhow."

"Because of your job?" she asked, hesitantly, playing with the sleeve of his shirt. It gave her fingers something to fidget with. "I mean, I know it's kinda ... important. And it kinda all went bust, yeah?"

"Hell in a handbasket," Reno agreed, shrugging his shoulder slightly. "It was my life for years. Now I gotta figure out where to go from here, I guess."

Rikku considered that for a few seconds.

"Where do you want to go?" she said, finally. "I mean, you could do all kinds of things, couldn't you? There are all kinds of opportunities, you know. Especially in a crazy place like Fandom."

"Even crazy places like Fandom have their limits," Reno replied, shaking his head. "I mean, I know I can do stuff. Plenty of stuff I can do. Just... Not so much of it is stuff I can do and feel useful, yanno?" He pursed his lips momentarily, furrowing his eyebrows. "That's what's eatin' me, I think. No flyin' machines on Fandom. Nobody needs... the dirty stuff. So I... app for a job at the flower shop? Try to maybe learn the finer points of sellin' Ratman comics? I dunno."

He chewed on his lip, and then shook his head.

"The opportunities mostly come up when someone needs to go on an emergency run off the island, or when the faculty goes nuts, anyhow. I'm kinda... rottin', here."

"A job here isn't the same as a job long-term," she said, carefully. "I mean, I sell guns, for Cable. That's not what I'm going to do with my life. Especially since I never sell them. It's just something to do, it's not your life's calling, it doesn't mean you're ..."

She was the one watching the clouds, now. Intently. "You feel like you're rotting?"

"Ghanima's trainin' me, the kinda skills I might never use again, considerin' Tseng hasn't called me with a job yet anyhow." He sighed, seeking out particularly fascinating drifty things in the sky above. "I'm not puttin' myself to use, is all. In a place like this, I dunno if the kinda uses I got are the kinda uses they need. So... I dunno. Maybe I'm gettin' rusty. Even with the training. Different kinda rust. I gotta get out. Do somethin' that means somethin'. Fix shit or beat on things or--" He looked at her, frowning. "Damn. I'm not doin' a great job comin' up with happy date conversation or whatever. You can, uh, smack me. If this is just me bein' an idiot. Or whatever."

"You're not being an idiot," she said. Her voice was guarded, and her gaze was still on those same clouds. "I didn't know you felt like you were rotting, here. I never meant for you to be ... trapped. If you're unhappy here, then you should ... go where you can be happy. Back to Gaia? Do they have ... things you ... need to be doing there?"

He frowned and glanced sidelong at Rikku, then, shaking his head.

"Nobody's got me trapped here, Rikku. I'm still here on Fandom 'cause I wanna be here on Fandom, zoto." And there he went, chewing his lip again. "If they had things they needed me to do on Gaia, Tseng would'a called by now. I'm thinkin' it's a bunch of the same old new nothing. And anyhow, I have a life here. I just dunno what to do with it, now that it's not all... covert-ops this and reports that."

"You have a life," she repeated. "There's more to it than covert-ops this and reports that. Isn't there? Or is that really all you have? You've been spinning your wheels for a month now, because of this, and nothing else seems to get through to you. Maybe this life isn't what you need. Maybe here isn't where you want to be. You're just hanging out until you can figure out where to go next."

"I got you," Reno replied evenly. "I got you, and we got the posse, and here's where I belong, for now. I got... I dunno. Money down on that graduation. An' stuff like that. But it's only another semester. Maybe I stay through the summer, too. And after that, what am I supposed to do with the education? Read poetry to small children or somethin'?"

Maybe it was a matter of figuring out where to go next. But.

"I ain't exactly in a hurry to just run off and leave you behind, Rikku."

"Aren't you?" she asked. Deep breaths. In, out again. "You lost your job, and it's like you lost you. You're a shell lately. I'd rather you be there, and yourself again, then ... keep you here just because you think it's where you're supposed to be. Because you're obligated or because ... I don't even know any more."

Pause. "If you want to read poetry to kids, then ... do it, and have a great time. But if you don't, then ... don't. I don't know what you want, and I don't know if you know, either."

"There isn't even home anymore, Rikku." Reno was rolling over a little now. Sitting up and frowning. "Home was Midgar. And the Turks aren't Turks, so that isn't an issue, either. The only direction I can go in is forward. There ain't no backsteppin'. And... Anyhow... This place kinda... grows on you."

He shrugged. The sky wasn't as interesting, suddenly, as his knees and ankles were.

"You grew on me. I... told Tseng once, you were my reason to breathe. Never had one of them before. And... Shit, Rikku, you still are. Just, nothin' beyond that point makes any sense, anymore."

"So ... you're gonna be happy here because it's not like you have anywhere else to be?" She sat up, staring at her feet, and sighed. "Tseng told me that, too. I told him ... that I didn't think it was true. That you needed him and the rest of the Turks more than ... you know."

This seemed like a good place for an awkward shrug. "I mean, look at how lost you've been, without them."

"I'm gonna keep goin', no matter where I'm at. Bein' lost without them..." And damn, was that ever weird to say... "That's nothin' to be surprised about, is it? They're my family, too."

He curled his toes a little, inside his shoes. Reminded himself that now was a bad time to make a reach for that bottle of wine he'd brought along.

"It ain't the end of the world. It's just... A startin' point I've never been at before. Things are different. They're gonna be. That don't mean stayin' here ain't worth it. Just means... I dunno. Means I gotta get my shit together, because graduation comes quick."

"It isn't," she said. "They're your family. You still have them. You can call them. If something happened to you, Rude would break a few of the laws of time and space to get here."

The water was interesting to watch, as it crashed along the edge of the sand.

"So why have you been avoiding me?"

Not physically. They saw each other plenty. And when they did, he was ... not there at all.

The attention he'd been paying to his feet was now directed entirely at Rikku, and he stared at her, confused. Frowning.

"I haven't been avoiding you, Rikku. I mean, we're right here, aren't we?"

"Yeah," Rikku said, bitterly. It was directed at her shoes. "We're right here. And you're miserable and you wish you could be anywhere else. Lather, rinse, repeat. You're fine. I'm fine. We're fine. Except for how much you're not, and I'm not, and we're not. So you pull away and I don't know if I should just let you go or if I'm wasting my time hanging on. Maybe you want to mourn in peace."

"Mourn in--?" Reno narrowed his eyes a little as he picked that phrase apart. "I'm not-- It's."

Huh. Okay. He was going to have to take a moment. And put together words. Ones that made more sense than "I'm not it's."

Righto then.

"If I'm pullin' away, Rikku, it ain't just from you. It's just, lately things are weird. Off. I'm off. When things go weird, I mean, like this. Like not bein' able to fall back on just... buryin' myself in the work. Or the dirt. Or whatever I can dig up under my fingernails."

He looked back up at the sky. One hell of a sky, wasn't it? Even with the clouds like that.

"Am I makin' you feel like you... should be lettin' go?"

Rikku closed her eyes, listening to all of that. Trying to find a real answer. Because 'no, seriously, everything's fine' was just as bad coming from her as it was from him, right?

Okay.

"You're ... making me think that any minute now, you're gonna ... stand up, and brush your pants off, and go, 'okay, the hell with it.' And pack a bag and kiss me good-bye and catch the next chopper to Gaia. Because ... being without the Turks is killing you, and there has to be something back there that's gonna be close enough." Inhale. Exhale. Getting words out: good. "I wouldn't blame you. You're not ... you lately. You're not happy lately. If you'd be happy there, then go. Please. Just that ... maybe I'm trying not to hold on too tight so it's not gonna hurt so much when you do."

"When I do," Reno echoed, a bare murmur as he shut his eyes and gave his head a shake. "There won't be no 'when I do,' Rikku. This is... It's just a lot, yeah? Nothin' that goin' back there is ever gonna fix. It ain't so easy as all that, yoto. I can't just walk away from everything here and go back to nothin'. It'd be... empty."

"You've seemed pretty empty here, too," she said gently. "I'm ... sorry that you've lost them. I am. I mean, you know I kinda never liked your job, but ... I know what it was to you."

"I just ..." Sky. Sea. Beach. Breathing. "If you could get it back, even if it meant losing you, I'd throw your ass onto the next chopper."

"If you did that," Reno replied, turning again to face her, "I think I'd end up losin' me, too."

Dammit, she was wibbling now, and had to lean over, had to steal a kiss and bury her face against the side of his neck and breathe. Breathing. See. Breathing was good. Yes?

"I want to help," she said, softly. "I just don't know if I can. Or what I should do. Do you know? If I can? Because I ..."

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