raspberryturk | Room 308, Thursday Midday

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Room 308, Thursday Midday

The girlfriends had classes. The baby needed to be protected. That was the mission. That was the job.

Hunkered down in Rikku's room. Surrounded by diapers and baby food and a smiling yellow teddybear crib. Watching the baby.

The mind-blowingly adorable baby. With the little red pigtails and the big green eyes and the wiggly toes. Very cute wiggly toes. Reno was resisting the urge to make up his own version of "this little piggy," because he didn't actually know how it was supposed to go.

Yep. Alone in Rikku's room. With a baby.

And Madrox.

"If she craps herself, you're on diaper duty, yo."

[For that guy, but the post is open! If you want to make the boys freak out good, just knock. :D]

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"The shit that ate the planet," Reno mused, glancing over his shoulder at Jamie. "I take it you got mixed feelings on the matter, yo."

It wasn't like Reno hadn't dealt with the end of the world before, really. Some people were a little better with it than others. Or something.

"Well when she was born an entire down was decimated because a militant anti-mutant group and another militant mutant group decided to blow the place up just to get the kid. As a result, I got sent forward into the future and got stuck in a incarceration camp for mutants and got this nice little tattoo on my face. I then got blown up for my trouble and left a good friend behind for the sake of a kid who was supposed to be safely somewhere else," Jamie replied.

"So. Yeah. Little bit of mixed feelings on the subject."

That reply earned a bit of a whistle.

"Man, all that for a kid that ain't learned her first words yet," Reno noted. "And you got any clue why people figure the kid with the chubbiest cheeks I ever saw is gonna make or break the place?"

"She's the first mutant born after our entire race was culled down to maybe a few hundred people," Jamie said with a frown. "Cable rescued here because he believes she's going to be the savior of our race. After a few weeks of keeping her here on the island another guy with the same tattoo as me showed up and almost tore the island up trying to kill her because he believes she's going to kill a million people when she grows up."

...

"She does have cute cheeks though."

Reno shot Jamie a wry grin before turning back to tickle the baby's toes.

"Cutest cheeks I ever saw, anyhow," he mused. And then paused. And inched backward a little.

....

"Time for a coin-toss, yo."

Babies were significantly less cute when they were allowed to poop.

Jamie sighed and stepped forward. "I'll do it," he said with a shrug. "At least somewhere down the line I can lay claim to changing the diapers of the savior of mutantkind or the person who killed everyone."

He immediately regretted it as he opened the diaper.

"Dear, GOD!" he cried out as he reached for the wipes. "What has Rikku been feeding this kid?"

"Strained peaches," Reno answered, almost angelically, as he went rooting through his newly acquired shopping cart for a diaper that would fit the kid. "An' mashed peas. An' whatever else I nabbed from T&C."

Reno was very helpful this way.

"I guess I should'a nabbed some FeBreeze while I was shoppin' for baby supplies, huh?"

He'd keep that in mind for future random babies.

"Woo!"

Jamie was pretty sure what Janice's mutant power was. He just didn't understand how creating an incredible stench was going to save anyone.

"Or at least some Lysol," Jamie coughed as he held out the wrapped up diaper for Reno to take. "Wow."

Reno's expression lapsed from smug to slightly horrified as he took the diaper, making a fast-as-possible beeline for the wastebasket.

"Dear freakin' Ifrit, it smells like somethin' that'd come outta a Dual Horn with gas, zoto."

For the record, that was pretty bad, yes. He was never eating with those hands again.

"Quick, slap somethin' fresh on there before she can do it again or somethin'."

"I'm working on it!" Jamie exclaimed as he tried to slap on a fresh diaper. "And for the love of whatever is holy, don't leave that thing in here!"

Reno stared into the wastebasket, at a loss. And then, kind of tentatively, reached to pick up the entire basket, diaper and all.

"Think we can pawn off this mess on the sentries at the door?"

No, there was no way Reno was leaving the room.

Jamie made a face but nodded. "Yeah, take the whole can," he said mangling the new diaper and grabbing another one.

Reno peered over for a moment to toss in his two cents before rushing the door.

"Try puttin' her bum onto the diaper first, instead'a goin' the other way," he stated, the door flying open and the whole mess of it being thrust out into the hallway. "Deal with it," he barked, and then slammed the door shut again.

Because if he did it fast, there would be no time for protest!

There were a few shouts of protest but nothing that caused them to break down the door.

Meanwhile the Jamie in room, in his infinite wisdom, flipped over the baby instead of the diaper and tried to put it on that way.

Janice thought this was very amusing.

"Yeah, this really isn't working."

Reno eyed the setup, his back against the door, and then pinched his forehead for a moment, grimacing.

"Don't diapers come with instructions or somethin'?"

Okay. He wasn't going to break the baby. Nope. Babies were harder to break than the effort it took to change a bum. Yep. He made his way over and reached for the fresh diaper.

"Gimmie that, Madrox. It can't really be that hard, can it?"

Jamie stepped aside. "Yeah, okay, maybe not. Just remember who took the brunt of the mess here all right? Do we have any hand sanitizer?"

"Try the cart. There's a little bit of everything from the baby aisle in T&C in there, yo."

Reno had just grabbed stuff, okay?

He spent a minute to assess the situation, studying the diaper, and the baby, and the way that the diaper probably went, and then he got to work. A sticky tab here, rolling the baby over there, aaaaaand...

".... I think I got it on backwards."

...

"Good enough, yo."

"Didn't I have it backwards?" Jamie asked as he used a half a bottle of hand sanitizer on his hands. "Why is yours better?"

"I did it without manglin' the diaper," Reno said, an air of smugness in his voice. "Ain't that right, Lil'Miss Stinkypants? S'gotta be right. Who'se got her diaper on wrong? Is it you?"

....

Reno cleared his throat. That totally hadn't just happened.

"It's somethin' for the kid to piss in, yo."

"Okay, man. I just don't want to be holding her when does her business and she leaks," Jamie said with a little hesitance.

He looked carefully at the kid.

"Think she knows what's going on?"

"I think she knows that there are two totally freakin' clueless idiots who are standin' around makin' faces at her 'cause they got no idea what else they should be doin'," Reno replied. And then stared at Janice for a moment before reaching out to wiggle her feet again. "I don't think she knows people want her dead. I mean... lookit her. She's all innocent and... burbly an' junk, yo."

"Well if Cable and Deadpool raise her that's going to change pretty quick," Jamie noted. "She'll be the most dangerous toddler in the universe."

That just made Reno grin more.

"Imagine the baby book, yo. Baby's first shotgun. Baby's first military obstacle course..."

"And children books recapping Wade's favorite episodes of the Golden Girls," Jamie said shaking his head. "It's like ~~meta for~~ My Two Dads except one of them is Christopher Walken on Steroids and the other one is an intelligent Sylvester Stallone."

"... Actually," Reno mused, "I think I'd watch that show, if it existed."

He'd pay to watch that show, if it existed.

"It'd be a complete train wreck," Jamie agreed. "I don't think I could stop watching."

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Room 308, Thursday Midday

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