raspberryturk | A Secluded Corner of the Beach, Sunday Evening

"What I do out there, I do well," Reno replied. Part of him was thankful that they were actually talking this out. The rest of him was screaming in the back of his head, abandon ship! Abort! Abort!

He ignored that part.

"Chasin' down that Amano guy for Doji, that was child's play. Got thrown around a little, but that's because I let my guard down. Gettin' rusty."

That sort of thing happened when your most recent opponents have been bladed discs and overpasses.

"I ..." Still worrying her lower lip between her teeth. "In Gaia. When we fought that Bahamut of yours? I thought ... I thought about how much I missed that. Slashing, punching, dodging, knowing when to pull back, it's ... it's almost like a game you're focused in on, yeah? I ... I like being good at that. I felt crazy-awesome when he went down. Even if most of it was that Cloud-guy. It wasn't all him, you know?"

Slight pause. "Is that what you mean?"

Reno tilted his head a little, chewing on what she was saying. And then he gave her another little squeeze.

"That. That's what I mean," he agreed. "It's not just about... gettin' out and... you know. Hurtin' people. It's the challenges. It's when I get out there and I remember that I'm damn good at doin' what needs to get done. The stuff other people don't wanna dig their hands in, because it's too dangerous or too monotonous or too menial for 'em. And then I get out there, and I tear hell all over it, and there ain't nothin' monotonous or whatever about it. That's what I miss. That part, that satisfies me."

"I think that's ... why I liked being a Guardian," she said. "Because some people can't fight back against the fiends. But it's not just, hey, I'm a good guy, I protect people, it's ... I'm good at it. We got Yunie to Zanarkand alive. She was only the fifth Summoner in a thousand years. And most of them didn't get kidnapped by Maesters or put on trial or half the stuff we went through, and we still managed it. Okay, Yunalesca almost took us out, but she didn't. You know?"

Messy exhale. "I can't believe I was going to give it all up. I worry about that, you know. You, giving it all up for me, and then ... not being you any more. It's too easy to do."

"I take it you know how easy it is from experience, huh?" Reno frowned a little.

Ah yes. Jude. The tree-hugger who didn't like Rikku killing monsters.

"You know, I'm not really... givin' it all up. I'm just workin' on ways to get somethin' back, and up to my knees in a whole lotta nothin' like it in the meantime. You're, like... this whole different level, zoto."

"Unfortunately," she said, trying to shrug it off. "I made him armor, and a non-lethal weapon, so that when we went home, we could take out some fiends. Supply run. But he kinda ... wasn't okay with it."

He grew up in Toronto. It had to be weird, adjusting.

"You're giving up some of it." She was fidgeting again. "I mean. You said you'd ask me, first, what jobs I was okay with you taking. So you might give up some of the uglier ones. And ... maybe that's not ... fair to ask."

She shot him a curious glance. "What do you mean, levels?"

Reno stared at Rikku somewhat incredulously.

"Okay. He sounds like the kinda guy who'd throw his girly little arms in the air and shriek like a toddler with a squirrel in his pants before he'd ever make a move to protect himself if he was attacked by a monster. Uh."

Reno knew nothing about this Toronto place, but he was pretty sure that even weird Canadian cities had their rough neighborhoods. And possibly moose. He'd heard something about Canada having moose.

"There's a difference between ugly and important, Rikku. If I don't take the ugly ones, Rude or Elena will. Elena's not really a rookie no more, zoto. She's earned her stripes." He shrugged. "Just so long as I ain't stuck at the 'helpin' old ladies cross the road' point, I'm good."

He was watching the sky pretty intently, now. There were stars up there, once the clouds drifted past. "Levels. I mean. Like you gave things numbers, you know? You said Turks came first, and you came second, and... That ain't the case. I mean, I'm kinda at a loss without the Turks, but if it was just them... I'd be runnin' in place, yoto. I moved forward, since I got here. Since I met you."

Edited 2008-11-18 06:29 (UTC)

"He's not from worlds like we are," Rikku said, loyally. "It was hard for him. I'd go off world-saving and he'd stress about it. So I tried not to, so much, any more, because he couldn't handle it. But I think that was just ... not ever going to be right, you know? That's what I mean. That I don't ever want you to feel like that."

She was going to stare at the water, again. "If the ugly ones were important ... I mean ... if you had to do awful things, but there was a good reason for it? That'd be different, I think. If you had to go ... take someone out, but there was a good reason for it that wasn't just, your boss wanted them dead. Not just, hey, he's a bad guy anyway. I don't know. I think I have a screwy moral center." She frowned, at that. "It's been wobbly lately. I think. I don't know if that's ..."

Rikku shook her head to clear it and looked over at him. "You mean that?"

Reno quirked an eyebrow. He'd met plenty of people here in Fandom who wasn't from a place like Gaia or Spira. Hell, their best friends here were both from a place without monsters.

... Poor Romeo. Reno would have warned him about things like dragons if he'd had any clue they were going to be casually swinging on by to save the world.

"I mean that. I mean... You remember when you met me? About fifteen pounds of lighter and missin' sparrin' dates so I could lose my head in smokes and tequila?" He pursed his lips a little and looked at her, giving her another little squeeze. "I sleep more, you know. Not so many nights just... up lookin' out the window, or whatever."

... Well. For Reno this was clearly a big change.

"... How do you mean, 'wobbly?'"

"I've noticed you putting on weight," she smiled. And then facepalmed. "Not in a bad way. That sounds like ... dude, you were all skin and bones, you know? Your face kinda filled in some. You're ... you seem like you sleep better. Like you're not just gonna waste away into nothing."

She was chewing away her lower lip. "No, that's not right. You never -- you never seemed like you were going to break. Just that you were going to get more and more stretched out. Hollowed out, almost. I don't know." She kissed his cheek. "I worried about you. Still kinda do. Just ... less."

Rikku hugged her knees in closer, mulling over the question. Or avoiding it. "It's nothing," she said. "Just a little ..." She had her hand see-saw back and forth. "Wobbly."

"Wobbly." Reno mimicked the see-saw motion, an eyebrow twitching upward. "I know all about wobbly moral centers, Rikku. Trust me, you can expand on that a little. I ain't gonna judge you, here."

"I know you won't," she said, quickly. "It's not that, honest. It's ... nothing. I've been worrying about some things, but I think it's just ..."

She shrugged, awkwardly. "I'm making too big a deal out of nothing."

"If it was nothing," Reno reasoned, "you wouldn't be makin' a deal out of it at all, zoto."

In Reno's experience, Rikku made big deals out of big things. Mass murder, racial slurs, Petey's hairballs. That sort of thing.

Petey managed to land hairballs right on things she liked. Like engines, and notebooks, and t-shirts. If he weren't dim, she'd think he was secretly evil and doing it on purpose.

She lifted a shoulder again. "It's ... I told you about it already. I pulled a gun out and I pointed it at your boss. The evil one. I was gonna shoot him, but I didn't. Deadpool said that's what matters, that I didn't. And he's a bad guy, anyway, so it's not like ..."

Not like she had been considering murdering him, or anything. Okay.

Reno frowned faintly.

"You regret anything about it?" It was a very neutral sort of question. The kind of question that was very clearly for the sake of knowing, not for judging.

Reno wouldn't have had the right to judge, even if Rikku regretted not pulling the trigger.

Hugging her knees. Staring at her toes. Thinking. Worrying.

"No," she said carefully.

That was the hell of it, right there.

Reno chewed on that for a moment, and then pulled back just far enough to look her in the eye.

"Why didn't you?"

Again. Asking for the sake of knowing.

"Tseng stopped me," she said dully. "He talked me out of it. Maybe I never had the guts to do it, anyway. I wanted to. If I regret anything, it's ... that I let him stop me. He started talking and I listened to him. Stupid. If it had been you, you would've shot him and tossed the gun somewhere before anyone had the chance to stop you."

"I kill people for a living and make bets with Rude to see how loud I can make them go crunch," Reno pointed out, reaching for one of her hands. "You ain't me. You won't be. That's fine."

...

"Did Tseng stop you? Or did you stop you, and Tseng tellin' you not to is the easiest excuse for your changin' your mind?"

She let him take her hand, idly, twining her fingers through his. Still not looking over.

"I don't know," she said, in that same flat tone. Shrugging again. "I had the gun, I wanted him dead. He should be dead. Then Tseng jumped in front of him, because hey, you guys can die, but not the fucking President. I said he should move or I'd shoot both of them, but ... I couldn't have. The other boss, yes, but not him and Tseng. And then Tseng said we should go look for you guys, and I got so angry. He knew you had to be ... dead, he was just trying to distract me. And then he said you ... you d-deserved a ..."

Dammit. "Burial."

Edited 2008-11-18 10:47 (UTC)

"Turks don't get burials," Reno replied. It was a tired sort of reply, but he was just as intent on getting to the meat of the matter as he had been a moment before. "It bugs you, you didn't pull the trigger? Or what?"

Trying to understand. Trying to piece it together.

He hadn't exactly been there, after all.

"I know," she said. "We were going to find ... something we could ... bury. That's why we were ..."

Out there. Digging through rocks as her fingers cracked and bled.

"We killed Seymour," she said, finally. "We had to. He was a threat, he'd kidnapped Yunie, he was evil. And it still hit me pretty hard, when we did. That we'd taken a life. The finality of it. And Seymour was -- I mean, someone had to stop him. Yuna tried to get him to turn himself in and he just laughed at her. He was crazy. But it was still huge, just ... deciding to kill someone, and doing it."

There was a slight pause. "I didn't feel that. With your boss. Maybe 'cause I didn't do it. I thought ... once I was myself again, I'd be horrified that I was even going to. He wasn't killing anyone, standing right there. He wasn't holding a gun on me, and it was me or him. I just ... wanted him dead. And all I can think of is, I wish I hadn't let Tseng talk me out of it."

He furrowed his eyebrows a little and looked down at their hands. Hers in his. His, all bloody, even if the blood wasn't there to be seen, and hers... relatively clean.

Still clean. Damn near immaculate, in comparison, really.

"Maybe it's not that your moral center is gettin' wobbly," he ventured. "Maybe it's that your sense of reality is catchin' up to it."

Not that killing Rufus was going to save lives, or anything. But at the same time... Reno could trace a good many of the planet's problems back to the younger Shinra's actions.

Control. Through fear.

Rikku shook her head. Pulled her hand away.

"I don't kill people," she said. "Not unless they deserve it. Not unless I have to. That's what it means, being a Guardian. I don't just shoot people because I don't like them. Your boss-guy is evil. But I wasn't thinking about how evil he was, right then. I just wanted him to suffer. I should ... be bothered by that. Something. I don't understand."

Reno heaved a bit of a sigh, re-claiming his hand and looking out toward the water.

"Maybe Deadpool's right, then. Maybe all that matters is you didn't do it. Maybe you're right. Maybe you weren't gonna do it anyhow. You don't kill people. Don't just shoot 'em because you don't like 'em."

He chewed his lip for a second, and then shrugged.

"I dunno. I think if I ever watched you go up in a fireball, I'd probably take out whoever caused you the biggest trouble in your life, if they were sittin' right there, though. I mean. We already established that you're not me. But... Just sayin'."

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